Identity

A dear friend presented me with the question of how I identify myself in terms of gender, as well as the relationship between that identity and my personality. She then asked me to write about my thoughts for her.

Before I present my reply, I would like to note that this will not be my only post about identity. Knowing yourself is one of the best ways to pull through tough times. It includes realizing what your goals are, what your problems may be, and having the confidence to confront and pursue both. From there, you can then better understand your relationship with others, because inevitably, communication becomes easier with the self-confidence of knowing who you are and how you would like to develop.

Knowing yourself also means knowing when to ask for help, whether from family, friends, or other counseling figures. I have certainly had trouble with this in coming to know myself. I am confident and independent, but sometimes that means that I forget that it's okay to ask for help. I think that my worries are foolish or unimportant, and for a while I even felt that I forgot how to ask for help. Somehow, it still comes as a relief when I talk with a friend or family member who doesn't belittle my concerns the way I do for myself. It felt better to even say to someone, "Something doesn't feel right." Even if I may not know what I need to talk about, the comfort of knowing that someone is there to listen produces enough consolation that I can take a step back from my worries and figure out what is bothering me.

With that said, here is my reply:

It took me too long to write this. I over-thought how I would phrase this part or that part, and then wondered if I would sound too extreme or too moderate. I feared that I would leave something out and sound ignorant.

Now, the irony does not escape me that I was the quickest to respond to my friend’s question about how I identify myself, and yet, quite late on my promise to write for her this guest post.

I am a female. I have the anatomy of a woman. But, in terms of my personality in light of today’s gendered culture, I would say that I have a masculine personality. I am aggressive. I like to be in control of things. I like to be the leader. I am independent.

And I am still female.

My most recent thoughts on how my gender and personality co-exist are that I often assume a maternal role. Mothers are generally accepted as protective, and in doing so, aggression, strength (emotionally and physically), and assertion pay off.

Perhaps some would argue that mothers should be subservient to their children. I doubt they are reading this, but I would ask them this: who is most likely to be a child’s first role model? I certainly know mine was my mother, and her mother, and my father’s mother. This isn’t to say that I have horrible paternal figures. That is far from the truth. Rather, I identify with women who were not ashamed of themselves.

I identify as myself, and all that that may entail. I over-think things. I want to be a nice person. I like playing with my hair. I don’t feel entirely comfortable in skirts. I was the girl who terrorized boys on the playground. I am the woman who wants to solve the world’s problems, and the woman who sometimes needs to remember to step back and solve her own, first.

But in the end, I know who I am. Do you?